This year, I have had the profound privilege of speaking about the 1994 Genocide against the Tutsi in Rwanda (1994) and its aftermath, especially to younger audiences—middle school, high school, and college students. I have been deeply moved by their honesty, curiosity, and thoughtful questions.

At Phillips Middle School in Chapel Hill, North Carolina, I had the opportunity to speak to about 100 seventh-grade students. I had never felt so at ease sharing my life story with young people as I did that day. When I told them I was their age during the genocide, they were shocked. That realization created an immediate connection between us and made the conversation easier, because suddenly they could relate not just to the history, but to the age of the girl who lived through it.

Before my visit, their teacher had prepared them by teaching about the genocide against the Tutsi in Rwanda and by sharing parts of my story. Their initial response was clear: “It is impossible to forgive someone who has committed genocide crimes.” Yet after the talk, some of them came to speak with me personally. I was deeply touched

At Trinity Academy in Raleigh, North Carolina, where I spoke to high school students in grades 9 through 12, the students had read my story in advance. Before I even arrived, they had submitted more than one hundred questions. Their questions were thoughtful, sincere, and deeply probing. I would like to share a few of them:

• Do you believe, in this circumstance, that forgiveness is an intelligent decision?
• How do you help others learn to forgive? 
• Just wondering, but Jesus said forgive 70 x 7 times and then that again, is that number larger enough to accommodate for the amount of deaths?
• What has been your greatest struggle since your trials in 1994?
• How do you keep your strength in forgiving your enemies? I understand God gives you strength but the event of your family being killed is still a hard thing to coup with.
• How are you able to cope with talking about this horrible event over and over and not react to it in a negative way? But be able to find the good in the situation?
• Is this similar to what is happening in Syria right now? A civil war containing of family and neighbors and friends fighting each other? 

I was struck by how quickly these students grasped the weight and complexity of what they had read, even before I had the chance to speak to them. I do not claim to have answers to all of these questions, nor do I see myself as an expert on forgiveness. I am only sharing my life experience and what my eyes have seen.

This post is not intended to teach others how to forgive genocide crimes, or even to define forgiveness in general. It is simply my own story and experience. So please bear with me if your beliefs or opinions differ from mine.

There is no question about the depth of the loss. The Genocide against the Tutsi stole the most precious part of my life: my extraordinary parents, two of my siblings, and countless friends, neighbors, and classmates. My peaceful world was forever altered and violently shattered. The tragedy left me with deep wounds, permanent scars, and injuries I never asked for. Even now, I tremble as I try to comprehend such cruelty—how human beings became so ferocious, and how many of my loved ones were humiliated before they were killed.

For a long time, I wanted to blot out my past completely and pretend the horror had only been a nightmare. In silence, I wished the month of April could be erased from the Gregorian calendar. For many years, I did not believe anything good could ever happen to me in April. In Kinyarwanda, April—Mata—means “milk,” perhaps echoing the country once described as flowing with milk and honey.

But in Mata 1994, streams of innocent blood ran down the hills and settled in the plains. Corpses filled rivers and mass graves. Crime scenes were hidden in an effort to conceal evil. Sorrow covered every high and low place in Rwanda, and voices of grief rang across the country of a thousand hills. It was the month when terror engulfed Rwanda, when longer daylight and shorter nights exposed those in hiding—people running for their lives, without even understanding why they were being hunted down to be hacked to death.

In that Mata, the soil of Rwanda opened to swallow the blood of innocent and beloved people who meant the world to me, without explanation. Then came the nightmares—reliving the horror again and again, waking up gasping for air, wondering if it was Mata all over again. Those terrifying nights lasted for years before I could have a normal dream that brought any calm to my soul.

And yet, I forgave those who caused this misery. I forgave them from the heart. The truth, however, is that it is nearly impossible to explain what it takes to move forward after genocide crimes, hatred, and injustice beyond comprehension. Any attempt to do so feels inadequate. But this is why I did it. No—let me say it rightly: this is what Jesus has done in me:

• The 1994 genocide against the Tutsi in Rwanda has caused irreversible damage in my life

Four members of my family were killed, not because of any crime they committed. Their death sentence was their physical appearance—something they were never given the chance to negotiate with God at birth. With that said, there is nothing in this life that can ever bring them back.

Not even if I were given the power to destroy everyone responsible, or to remove everyone who does not wish me well. But there is One who rules the world with justice, and He sees everything. “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.” Matthew 5:9

So when I feel anger and hatred crouching at the door of my heart, I remember Romans 12:20: “To the contrary, if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” It is written, and it is true. The greatest vengeance you can ever take against someone who has wronged you is to forgive them.

• My parents and two siblings are in heaven with God.

Absolutely. Beyond any shadow of doubt. Their tears are gone, and their pain has come to an end. They are no longer being tortured. They are no longer grieving. Their journey on this earth ended far too soon, but their life with Jesus will never end. I wait patiently for the day I will see them again, in a life that knows no sorrow and no broken heart. I miss them with a sorrow that runs deep.

With that said, it is written in Hebrews 12:14: “Strive for peace with everyone and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord”. For all it is worth, I long for holiness because I long to see God, who has my parents and two siblings with Him. Holiness, on my part, includes forgiveness—not only toward those who made me an orphan, but also toward everyone who has hurt me, in matters both small and great.

• Forgiveness benefits the forgiver more than the one being forgiven.

Beyond the Word of God, even science has shown that forgiveness brings healing. When you love someone, you think about them often and wish them well. In the same way, when you have been deeply wronged, every reminder of the injustice done to you or to someone you love can stir a reaction, whether consciously or unconsciously. That reaction may show itself through rage, frustration, nightmares, headaches, lack of trust, sleep disorders, depression, withdrawal, resentment, and more.

“One source explains: Studies from the National Library of Medicine  found forgiveness to be associated with lower heart rate and blood pressure, as well as stress relief. A later study found forgiveness to be positively associated with five measures of health: physical symptoms, medications used, sleep quality, fatigue, and somatic complaints.” In other words, forgiveness can affect not only the heart and mind, but the body as well.

Personally, I want my mind to be occupied by treasured memories and by hope. The wonders of God in my life overwhelm me with gratitude and humility. He held my hand and reminded me that I was not alone through trials and tribulations, when no one else was there to comfort me. My God and I remain undefeated.

As for those who have hurt me, their evil intentions have no place in my records. As I extend forgiveness to them, whether they ask for it or not, I feel free. Each time I forgive, my heart feels lighter, as though a heavy burden has been lifted from my shoulders.

• I make mistakes, too!

“I’m a sinner, FIRST, sinned against SECOND.” ~ The Summit Church

I have to remind myself of this all the time. Just as Jesus said, the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. I often find myself thinking, wishing, or even doing things that I would not want to entertain in my right mind, simply because of the desires of my sinful heart. And when that happens, I have to stop and ask myself: Seriously? How did I even allow myself to think that, or do that?

Romans 3:23 goes like this: “for all have sinned and fell short of the glory of God”.

I do not see anywhere that says only those who shed blood are sinners. Everyone, including victims, needs Jesus. If we are all in the same boat, then on what basis am I better qualified to judge others and decide their fate?

In Mathew 18:21-35, after Peter asked Jesus how many times he should forgive a brother who sins against him, Jesus told the parable of the unforgiving servant. A king had a servant who owed him an enormous debt—so great he could never repay it. Since he could not pay, the king ordered that he and his family be sold. But the servant fell on his knees and begged for more time. Out of pity, the king forgave the debt completely.

Yet as soon as that same servant left, he found a fellow servant who owed him a much smaller amount. He grabbed him, began choking him, and demanded full payment. When the man could not pay, he had him thrown into prison. When the master learned what had happened, he was furious. He handed the unforgiving servant over to be punished until his own debt could be paid.

Honestly, if my past, present, and future sins were converted into any kind of currency, I would be imprisoned for life. They are too many to count. Because I, too, have been forgiven, I do not want to be like that unforgiving servant. My part in all of this is to forgive—even when those who have wronged me do not deserve it and never ask for it.

• Everyone will be held accountable for their acts, someday!

This life will end. There is no doubt about that. One day, we will all stand before God—whether we believe in Him or not—and our works in this life will be measured and tested. Hebrews 4:13 says: “And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account.” God sees it all, and His judgment is perfectly accurate.

The example for our lives was set at the cross, where Jesus died in shame to reconcile the world to God. He is the greatest example of what it means to forgive, even when the pain is beyond measure.

“Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed” Isaiah 53: 4-5

 “Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.” ― Martin Luther King Jr.

“Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” Romans 12: 19

Sins may carry different weight, but I am not the one to decide which ones are unforgivable. God sees it all, and He alone is the righteous Judge. Who am I to take His seat? I am neither wise enough to fully understand His ways nor qualified to question what He is doing.

More than anything, this gives me peace. Knowing that He will deal justly with my enemies teaches me to truly forgive and to leave the rest to God’s wrath. This is my understanding of forgiveness.

 “You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.” – Lewis B. Smedes.

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” ~ Catherine Ponder